MOTHER"S DAY
I hope all of the mamas, and all of the mama- presenting people, all of you- are having a wonderful day.
I am holding a lot of complexity around the ways I feel about motherhood- as- construction.
Anyone who knows me knows how much I adore my kids. And I think I’ve done a pretty good job in a pretty complex situation. They are both amazing and unique humans and I’m proud of them and lucky to know them. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to know them in this very special and unique way.
I used to say “mothering is the most important thing I’ve ever done.”
The thing is, when I hear my friends, my mother figures, people in my orbit say this, I want to rebel and say: “it’s important. Your kids are important. Your parenting is important. And so are a lot of other things you have done and will do.”
To myself: “I was a person, and a woman, before I was a mother. If I had not had kids, I would still be creating a meaningful life.”
And to my friends who are child-free by choice or by circumstance: your life is not less meaningful or whole.
“Mothering is the most important job, or the most meaningful thing you will ever do” is propaganda. The sentimental perception, advertising and presentation of motherhood is designed to keep us from telling the truth:
It is feral, lonely, passionate, gorgeous, exhausting, ecstatic, heartbreaking and indescribable.
And for those who are mothers, or mama- presenting folks, it is one of many deeply important experiences within a life.
My kids have absolutely gotten -and will continue to get- the priority of my care. That is appropriate. But mothering is not my pinnacle. I am my pinnacle. My life is my glory. To make them my glory puts too much pressure on them.
They do not ultimately exist to give my life meaning, but to find meaning in their own lives. This is what I wish for them. They won’t have the freedom to find that if they need to be the meaning of my life.
When I look at my ancestry, I see lines of women who sacrificed themselves. I do not want my descendants to look back on me and see sacrifice as their birthright, I want them to see life as their birthright. My ancestors did not have this option. They did what they could, and I am grateful for every step.
I am part of this span between old patterns of survival and the opening- I desperately hope- of more possibilities. If I dream forward, my hope is that the present and coming generations will have space to live those out more and more fully.